I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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