it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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