my phone needs a breathalizer
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
