Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
