my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
