I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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