birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
