Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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