Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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