her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
