I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
