I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
