Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
