Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
