Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
