Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
