How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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