chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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