I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
