the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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