I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
