The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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