So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
