Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
