How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
