Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
