margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
