you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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