I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My vagina just recognized that song.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
