We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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