I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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