My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
