Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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