Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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