are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
