You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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