They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
