when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I met the friendliest cop last night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
