Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
