just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You're a waste of cheezeits
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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