wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's shark week go big or go home
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