Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
