it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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