I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
