I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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