i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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