I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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