I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
