I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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