I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
