What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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